:: blame the extended gestation.... ::

:: Friday, September 06, 2002 ::

So... I haven't been here in... lets see, wow, over a month. I started up another blog that I'm never telling anyone exists ( I mean I guess I just told you it exists but the point is you don't know where it is--meaning its for me not you) Me not you, thats a new concept for me. So surrounded I am by conceptions of you. What you think. What you react to. What you react as. How I should react to you. How I should react as to your reaction. The mindless cycle goes on and on. I hesitate to say anything here now. I feel constantly on gaurd. But all this week i've been thinking about who I am. And its slowly coming to me that i've been holding back too much. Too afraid. And isn't that always the way the story goes? But I think what i'm going to try to do is make this an every Friday evening... should I say recap... errr maybe friday excavation of whatever is in my head. I'm tired of trying to stick everything I see that I think is good onto one spot on the web. Why do I care? And the answer I found is I don't. I'm too much of an individualist to try to make up for others incompetance. I have my own to make-up for. I've been really busy with school. I can't tell if i'm taking too much on... or if i'm learning to handle a full load. Maybe a little of both. Maybe everything in life ends up being just another test?

I'm listening to the new Hot Water Music as we speak. I don't know what I think of it. But listening to it makes me think of how long I've been here (22 years). And it doesn't seem real to me. There isn't anything I could stand on if it really came down to it. WE all have our thoughts on existence... but really all they are, are thoughts. We still end up dancing alone to our own music. I can't tell if i'm moving on... giving up... or what exactly this, here, now, is. It can be whatever I want I guess. But I don't know where i'm supposed to make myself fit. What part of the puzzle do you choose to play? How do you know where you'll fit the best? How can you find out the answer to a question like that. Like that being something there is no right or wrong answer to.

I wrote a play this summer. I don't like it very much. And i'm not sure why I tried to write it. But I wrote it. And i'm happy I did. And maybe I can learn something about myself from it. Maybe I can learn something about the world from it. We exist. And that reality still fucks with my head to no end. Its a concept I so rarely grasp at. And I grasp at so much. Proabably too much. But we'll see how it goes. Me, and the grabbing. I don't think this is that important in the end. Thats why i'm okay with my constant need to digress and "fill in the blank" with all my own lines and concepts and interests. This story is about me. My story is about me. Everyone else has their own time and space. But I do think everyone needs to find a space... take a space... and make it their own, demand to be who it is that they need to be with no apology. I need to learn no apology. I need to learn no fear. I need to learn to lose my fear of you, all the you's, you's just playing me's. And me's are always the assholes shooting down the good ideas for the sole reason that they feel alone... and want everyone to feel the same way... so that everyone can be alone together. But you don't get to be alone with me... errr else I wouldn't really be alone.
And so much time has/is going by. I remember LA and what it meant to me. And I can't help but think that that expiriment was possibly wasted. Or maybe it was exactly what I needed at that time. Cause in the end when is the right time time to die? And could anyone really pretend to know why... to any of this?

:: Jim Nichols 9/06/2002 10:00:00 PM [+] ::
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